The Full Scale

A comprehensive tier-by-tier breakdown of the Doorknob Intelligence Scale, from the profoundly inert to the suspiciously competent.

Tier F DKI −5.00 to −3.01 — "Cosmically inert. The universe is embarrassed."
An individual grain of sand A specific cubic meter of air A puddle (non-sentient) A stale cracker A USB cable that's always upside down
Tier D DKI −3.00 to −1.51 — "Solidly dumber than the sack. We're talking furniture-grade intelligence."
A single rock A roll of paper towels A spoon A beanbag chair A novelty mug that says "World's Best Boss" A mismatched pair of socks
Tier C DKI −1.50 to −0.01 — "Still dumber than the sack, but showing promise. At least there's structure."
A single loose doorknob An IKEA instruction manual A printer (any model, they're all terrible) A broken traffic light A jigsaw puzzle with one piece missing A CVS receipt (too long, achieves nothing)
REFERENCE DKI 0.00 — "The Sack Itself. The gold standard. The alpha and the omega of cognitive calibration."
The Sack of Doorknobs™
Tier B DKI +0.01 to +5.00 — "Technically less dumb. Signs of something happening in there."
Mold growing on bread An earthworm A houseplant (responds to light) A colony of bacteria A Roomba that bumps into walls A thermostat
Tier A DKI +5.01 to +100.00 — "Comfortably smarter than the sack. Can navigate basic situations."
A goldfish (3-second memory is a myth) A frog A cat (debatable, might belong in Tier S for manipulation) A golden retriever A crow (uses tools, holds grudges) A self-driving car (sometimes)
Tier S DKI +100.01 and above — "Significantly less dumb than the sack. Some would say 'smart' but we don't use that word here."
An octopus (opens jars, escapes aquariums) Most humans (on a good day) A chess grandmaster An elephant (never forgets) A large language model (allegedly) A dolphin

Important Calibration Note

All DKI scores are measured relative to The Sack™ maintained at the Institute. Scores may fluctuate slightly if the ambient temperature of the sack changes, a doorknob is added or removed, or the burlap develops sentimental value. Recalibration is performed quarterly.