The story behind the world's most important sack-based intelligence measurement framework.
It started, as most great scientific endeavors do, with someone saying "that's dumber than a sack of doorknobs."
The phrase had been thrown around casually for decades — in living rooms, break rooms, and heated online comment sections. But no one had ever stopped to ask the critical follow-up question: how much dumber?
In early 2026, a group of concerned citizens realized that "dumber than a sack of doorknobs" was being used without any scientific rigor whatsoever. People were just saying it. With no data. No calibration. No sack.
This was unacceptable.
And so The Doorknob Intelligence Scale was born — a rigorous, reproducible framework for measuring intelligence relative to a standardized sack of 47 brass doorknobs. Finally, when someone says "that's dumber than a sack of doorknobs," we can tell them by how much.
The Sack is real. The science is… present. And the world is better for it.
The minds behind the sack. (All more intelligent than the sack. We checked.)
Director of Sack Operations
Has a PhD in Comparative Inertness from an unspecified institution. Personally selected each of the 47 doorknobs. Sleeps in the same room as The Sack "for security purposes."
Chief Calibration Officer
Former locksmith turned cognitive scientist. Developed the Doorknob Normalization Algorithm (DNA™). Believes all doors should be push, never pull. Strong opinions about lever handles.
Public Relations & Sack Advocacy
Ensures The Sack is represented fairly in the media. Has issued 14 cease-and-desist letters to people who said the sack was "just a sack." It's a reference standard.
Submit a subject for evaluation, report a calibration discrepancy, or just say something nice about doorknobs.
For official inquiries, subject submissions, or doorknob-related fan mail.
sack@doorknobscale.orgThe Sack is on permanent display at the Institute. Viewing hours: whenever we feel like it.
The Doorknob Intelligence Institute
47 Brass Handle Lane
Knobsville, KN 00000
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