The definitive reference catalog. Find out where anything in the known universe falls relative to The Sack™.
Things that don't move, think, or pay taxes.
| Subject | DKI Score | Verdict | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|
| A single grain of sand | −4.70 | Dumber | Doesn't even have the benefit of being in a sack with friends. |
| A brick | −3.90 | Dumber | Dense but not in the good way. |
| A spoon | −2.40 | Dumber | Has one job. Does it fine. Doesn't aspire to more. |
| A single loose doorknob | −1.85 | Dumber | The sack provides synergy. Alone, a doorknob is nothing. |
| The Sack of Doorknobs™ | 0.00 | Reference | THE standard. |
| A light switch | −0.20 | Dumber | Binary thinking. Can only do two things. But at least it commits. |
| An office printer | −0.85 | Dumber | Actively hostile. May actually be malicious rather than stupid. |
Things that are alive, and therefore have an inherent advantage over a sack.
| Subject | DKI Score | Verdict | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|
| A single bacterium | +0.03 | Less Dumb | Can reproduce. The Sack cannot. Slight edge. |
| Bread mold | +0.18 | Less Dumb | Grows toward food. Goal-oriented behavior exceeds Sack capabilities. |
| An earthworm | +0.42 | Less Dumb | Can move away from danger. The Sack just sits there and accepts its fate. |
| A shrimp | +2.10 | Less Dumb | Has 16 types of color receptors. Still can't open a door though. |
| A goldfish | +8.50 | Less Dumb | Can learn tricks. Memory lasts months, not 3 seconds. Internet lied to you. |
| A crow | +62.30 | Less Dumb | Uses tools. Recognizes faces. Holds grudges for years. Respect the crow. |
| A golden retriever | +47.80 | Less Dumb | Emotional intelligence off the charts. May eat the doorknobs though. |
| A house cat | +55.20 | Less Dumb | Manipulates humans into servitude. Machiavellian genius or just cute? Both. |
| An octopus | +89.70 | Less Dumb | Has escaped multiple aquariums. Three hearts. Zero sacks of doorknobs can relate. |
The things we built. Some of which are dumber than the thing we're comparing them to.
| Subject | DKI Score | Verdict | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|
| A basic calculator | +1.20 | Less Dumb | Can do math. Cannot do anything else. It's a one-trick pony but that trick is pretty good. |
| A Roomba | +3.40 | Less Dumb | Navigates rooms. Gets stuck under couches. Falls down stairs. Learning curve is flat. |
| A smart fridge | +4.10 | Less Dumb | Knows when you're out of milk. Tells you. You still don't buy milk. Both parties at fault. |
| A chess computer | +120.00 | Less Dumb | Beats grandmasters. Still can't hold a conversation about its feelings. |
| A large language model | +247.60 | Less Dumb | Built this website. Make of that what you will. |
Can a concept be dumber than a sack of doorknobs? Science says: absolutely.
| Subject | DKI Score | Verdict | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|
| Replying all to a company-wide email | −2.80 | Dumber | The Sack has never replied all. Not once. Flawless track record. |
| Microwaving fish at the office | −3.50 | Dumber | Technically an act of hostility, not stupidity, but the DKI doesn't distinguish. |
| Locking your keys in the car | −1.30 | Dumber | The Sack doesn't have keys or a car, so it literally cannot make this mistake. |
| Starting a sentence with "Well, actually…" | −0.90 | Dumber | Technically correct is not the best kind of correct. The Sack says nothing and is therefore never wrong. |
| Bringing an umbrella when it's sunny | +1.50 | Less Dumb | Overprepared beats underprepared. The Sack is never prepared for anything. |
| Reading the instruction manual first | +15.00 | Less Dumb | A power move. Nobody does this. If you do, you're elite. The Sack is illiterate. |
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