A rigorous scientific framework for calibrating intelligence, using a standard sack of doorknobs as the universal baseline. Is it dumber? Less dumb? Now you'll know for sure.
Explore the ScaleThe Doorknob Intelligence Scale provides a universal reference point for cognitive calibration.
A standard-issue burlap sack containing exactly 47 assorted brass doorknobs, maintained at room temperature in a climate-controlled facility. This is the baseline against which all intelligence is measured.
The DKI (Doorknob Intelligence) score measures cognitive ability relative to a sack of doorknobs.
Somehow less intelligent than a literal sack of inanimate metal objects. This is a remarkable achievement in its own way. Subjects in this range include certain government policies and USB cables that never go in the right way.
Exactly as intelligent as a sack of doorknobs. The reference point. The gold standard. The sack itself. Nothing more, nothing less. It just sits there, being a sack of doorknobs.
More intelligent than the sack. Congratulations. This includes most living organisms, many machines, and roughly 94% of things that exist. The bar is on the floor but some still limbo under it.
A preview of items and entities plotted on the Doorknob Intelligence Scale.
| Subject | DKI Score | Verdict |
|---|---|---|
| A single rock | −3.20 | Dumber |
| A loose doorknob (just one) | −1.85 | Dumber |
| The Sack of Doorknobs™ | 0.00 | Reference |
| An earthworm | +0.42 | Less Dumb |
| A golden retriever | +47.80 | Less Dumb |
| Average human (allegedly) | +312.50 | Less Dumb |
See the full comparison database on the Comparisons page.